Disappearance.

I must find the answer before it is too late. Before I cross the line of no return. The clues have been misleading; I follow them zealously, only to find that they do not lead to the solution. To the Criminal In Black Clothing who is the demon of my mind.

Questions - is it really so bad? I can't find the demon, so is it even real at all? And: how do you kill a demon? A childish notion, that I could fight evil with love. ...Is it possible?

[Before it is too late.] The state of myself is chaotic. I have trouble extracting order from it. I have a deep feeling of urgency - that if I do not defeat this demon in good time, I will never be free from it's tyranny, that it's power will beat mine, that this dark virus will spread until every ounce of my being is consumed.

This, I do not want. I want good to triumph over evil, like those goddamned fairy tales I was spoon-fed when I was too young to feed myself.

The state of my memory is a clue that this demon is very real. I will say something in conversation, only to forget the entire topic less than twenty seconds later. It has gotten to the point where I will often say an absurd sentence; "you want not see the car outside?" Ironically, I've barely smoked pot at all these past months. Drugs are clearly not the problem here.

This tiny detail might not mean much, but it is so consistent that I can't help but think it's just another small part of me, getting all fucked-up because of some much bigger, much stronger problem.

[If there were big, obvious clues, believe me, I would have sought them out already.]

More questions, more chaos, less ability to make sense of it. The structure is dissippating. I was once a good speller - now I'm pretty sure I spelt disippating wrong. Last night, I spelt 'eye' like 'iye'. Reality as I know it is collapsing. The glass of water on the table is merely energy in a clever disguise. Behind these walls, is static. Static, the transparency of this apparition.

I just need something real. Something to hold on to. How is a world created inside a void?

Maybe this all comes from a loss - the loss of the warm, happy hug of god. The feeling you get when everything is full of meaning, full of everything, and everything is beautiful. A higher purpose, a cosmic oneness, a spiritual connection to something pure, and loving, and kind. Could a loss of this cause such terrible feelings of evil and darkness?

Empty. Empty. It's why people eat a lot. Or why they live their lives through television. Or why they convince themselves that they're the best person who ever lived. It's why people cling on to god. Empty.

What is my solution? How do I build to the point where I am once again, on occasion, brimming over with love and happiness? Where do I start? What should the floorboards be made out of? And where are the floorboards gonna go, anyway?

Fight evil with love. It was once possible, but now, seems like a rusty weapon choice. I love. I do. But it isn't strong, and it's hardly real. It still runs through my veins, I'm still alive. How to let it grow. Let the blood flow. How to let it go.

You keep telling me to relax. I keep asking how.

[how long, how long must we sing this song]

allysia