Hey, I remember when Dylan and Kelley and Mike used to post.
I really need to do something. I'm completely fucking miserable, and my body is falling apart, and I'm not really doing anything to better that. I just perpetuate it...holding on to useless baggage to save me from my own guilt, carrying around this image of myself that people expect, because god knows everything would be blown to smithereens if I'm constantly changing. My head is just this tangled mess, and sometimes there's so much pressure that I feel like I could die, but I'm terrified to die, so I just truck on through this hell. And life shouldn't feel like hell, life should feel like this fucking amazing journey and I should be thanking whatever the fuck you thank for every moment I'm breathing. I shouldn't be feeling like this. Twisted and crippled by this fucking anxiety, this fucking pressure, this fucking heart attack in waiting.
I'm nineteen bloody years old. It should NOT have gotten this bad.
Humans, we have this thing called free will. Free will means choices. And sometimes we make really bad choices, and then have to live with the consequences, and, hopefully, learn the lesson, whatever the fuck it may be.
We also have this interesting thing called the imagination. The right brain, the soul, whatever the fuck you want to label it, this is the reason we have choices. Look at the animals, things are a certain way for the animals and that's that. I'm hungry...so I'll eat. I'm horny...so I'll fuck. I'm old...so I'll die. I think it's cool how elephants honor their dead. Or at least get all interested by their own kind's bones. See, I'm making these bold truisms, and then I trail off when I second-guess my self, and when all these holes in the idea are evident.
I think I was trying to make a point....maybe something about the perils of pairing imagination and free will. Sometimes we make decisions based on completely glamourized situations, situations that really have no basis in reality, but the elaborate fantasy you create around it makes you believe it's real, because you want to believe. And then it's just another disappointed dream, and you suffer the consequences of your choice. It's like being on x for a while, and then stopping, and the world is as it was before, but it's just this huge loss because it seemed so beautiful.
I feel like any music I write will be crap, but fuck it, I'll go with it anyway. I feel like people wouldn't like me, but that just doesn't even fucking matter, or at least it shouldn't. And I'm happy with myself, I like what I am and how I look and all that shit, I mean, the anxiety is a definite issue but it's workable, so why is there so much fucking doubt, FUCK doubt. I don't know what I want, or what I want to say or how to say it, but I'm gonna keep fucken trying until maybe I get it right, instead of existing in this inertia because there's way too many fucking choices. Because I want it to be perfect. FUCK perfect, that's really boring. And to hold yourself back because you don't want to see anyone hurt. FUCK THAT especially. You get involved with people, you're gonna hurt people. It's a fucking fact of life and I can't pretend it isn't real.
But on top of all that, FUCK DATING. it's all just total bullshit.
ally
Monday, July 24, 2006
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7 comments:
Be one with the mind. Be yourself. Don't let a persons opinion get out down, even though it's hard to do. Free yourself from the grips of the assholes and confide in your friends, hold your friends, or chat with your friends. Go out and have a good time with your friends, write music with your friends, play music with your friends. Do with your life what you wish, as long as it does not involve self-mutilation or death. We'd all miss you. *hugs*
No man, don't be one with the mind, be one with the soul. It's like whatshisname said we're in a left brain ruled society, use the right the creativity, the soul, all that shit. fuck man I have to get out of this house. Mark my words, I will be back before winter, regardless of the audition, although that would be a better way to go, but I can't find a piano player arrrggghhh!!!
Peace
RokosH
i wasn't talking about self-mutilation....i like my life. that's why it's a terrifying experience. and thanks for the support to..um...live my life.
Unlike the mass opinion, I find the self joy of one's being can be found through engorging one's self in a good moment, such as some days it feels good to wake up, like on a day off(Monday! *stupid thumbs up*) Or if u truly love the coffee scene , live it up to the fullest, make coffee time a real treat, when u have things to look forward, u forget about problems u make for your self. Many problems for people tend to be imaginary. Such as:
-No one likes me(if so you would never be talked to , or looked at in the least, social life is brought on by trying not being a dink and thinking it should come to u)
- Am so diffrent/0dd/unique no one can relate with me( When You come up with things u find witty or original u must note, that all ideas have been thought of before, just not all have been worded in everyway. So u may think ur new philosophy is great and never heard, but since the time of the egypt all new philosophy is impossable since humans are incappable of looking past what we have now).
-No one loves me (if so then hoe come had parents? be adopted or orignal, at some time in your life, u have been loved no matter what, even the uglyest smellest most anoying person has had a mother that loved them. so nope once agian, imaginary).
the list goes on but still, u must realize ally, most of this crippled feeling comes from not being able to do anything, find a new hobby past music and writeing, DON'T GIVE UP ON MUSIC/WRITEING. Just find something new to get into, be it even something corny like a salt shaker collection, or watching people in the park? i don't know.
Most peoples problems are imaginary and any excuse they can make agianst that i can make a perfectly equal if not better counter fact.
Well i hope this helps if u were searching for help.
I may not be the smartest but i do have some knowledge.
wait a second, are you calling me a big whiner?
and i agree with your moment thing, it's not like i'm so incredibly blind that i can't understand where the true happiness things lie. i've experienced them. you're just going along, having a good chat or whatnot, and suddenly, the moment elevates. suddenly you're filled with this amazing appreciation for everything - there's this whole amazing universal love thing that all the fucken hippies speak of. and in that moment, you are so real...so fucking THERE...it's beautiful.
these anxiety moments, they kind of run the same way. but instead of the moment ELEVATING..you know...it descends. In terms of heaven and hell where existence is purgatory, the previous moments would be heaven, and my now-common ones would be hell. forgive me but it's very hard to deal with.
oh, and i don't think i'm "so fucking original" or anything. that was a shitty idea anyway. philosophers might explore the same ideas...they might have similar 'enlightenments'....but that's really not the point, how "original" it is. it's to have these experiences on your own without reading about them. it's to live it. the god epiphanies, the falling into infinity, even simple ideas based around the purpose of drugs or what have you, when you experience this idea on your own.....and then top that idea with a better idea later on....then that idea evolves...and so on....that's the fucking point.
it's the fucken seed in the ground. all warm and comfy in the earth, with a nice, solid shell...and then it begins to grow, it has to push it's way through all this dirt, and this dirt was once warm like a womb but now it's just painful for your soft skin to slowly crawl through, moving upwards, hoping to god that you'll find the fucking light. the shell was so safe, and now you're so fucking raw. and then, AND THEN, you reach the top. you see the sun and the world, and you become this flower. the purpose shows itself after the long climb. it's this EXPERIENCE. and then you wilt and die, but it wasn't all for nothing, you just have to find out what it was for.
imaginary things can feel more real than the fucken insanity of the world.
You just compared life to a seed... as you said before, you can compare life to anything.
Also I wasn't attacking you on this, this was a broad range attack to all.If you took offense..well then u must feel u fit in some of those slots. not my fault, i was just stateing many problems people have are made up but they let their mind fuck them and get over worked thus screwed.
No offense was ment.
so what, maybe i'm worried that i'm just a dumb whiny brat, hence i would be on edge about fitting in those slots.
well my mind can be at ease then.
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