Devolution

The thoughts get deeper, and they're pulling me in. I'm creating a reality that I'm scared to become. This is what I'm running from.

I don't understand. With every block I insert into my adult perspective, there's this fear, this fear that maybe I'm not building myself a life, I'm just building my ego. That everything I do is geared toward personal gain and the flattering feelings of being special, instead of these higher purposes that I'd love to believe in. Just give me something to believe in. Well how could I not know? You'd figure that you could know yourself well enough to know your true, real motifs for the things you do. And I know the course of action - make the choice, pick one and run with it. But all this doubt makes it difficult. I understand Hamlet and I think I have the same fatal flaw as him.

See, it goes like this - I say to myself, fuck the ego question, I really am a good person who really, sincerely wants to help all of humanity. That's all well and good. And this is the perspective that pulls me in. So say I stop resisting. It could end one of two ways. One, I'm right and that's lovely. Two, I'm out of my fucking mind, and by entering in this perspective fully, I will be feeding my delusions to the point where I'll just be a crazy person, so far removed from real reality that there's no way back.

It's things like this that really make decision-making a terribly arduous process, it really hinders good ol' impulsiveness. To think things out ten steps in advance, and see just one potentially terrible outcome, and to do nothing out of fear. So I guess the real lesson here is to overcome this severe cowardice.

I really do envy people who don't consider the options and dive in head-first. I really wish I could be like that.

To become a risk-taker. To want the good outcome enough that I'll risk the bad outcome.

I think I'm getting to understand Jesus better, in the way that growing lets you understand everyone better. I think everyone has the potential for Jesushood - 99%. I think it's beautiful that everyone's level is different, so that it's a bloody challenge as you're being pulled down, and being pulled up. Can one devolve? Physically and mentally, yes - but spiritually? I've never been firm on that one. I think it's more interesting if you can spiritually deteriorate, but then again, if you spend all this time building it up, the notion of losing it is terrifying.

The reality I've been creating is going to be very strange if I choose to wear it, but very classic. My mind creates epics. Good vs. Evil to the extreme in my daily life. But the twist of my story here is that it won't be war, and all this metaphorical killing and bloodshed. Instead of fighting evil, we will redeem it. Where the demons rise above hell. Where Satan attains Nirvana. Where we become one, and not two. When there's no divide. This is my heaven.

And this is the journey.