psychosis

I think I'm psychotic.

No, really, psychosis is like the fever of mental illnesses, which would be funny because back in high school, I used to get these random fevers, but no sickness accompanying them. I was reading the symptoms and what it is, and what it does to you, and it makes sense. Apparently, in someone prone to psychosis or whatever, weed can bring that out hardcore, which makes complete sense, I mean, look at the way I've been reacting to it - strong paranoia and whatnot. Detachment from reality, thought and perception are severely impaired, delusional beliefs, personality changes, disorderly thinking.....

Of course, it's not like psychopathy, which is violent and whatnot. When you say the word 'psychotic', people automatically think that you're raving mad and that you see little gnomes and hear evil voices telling you to kill them, kill them all.

In other news:

"To divorce Babylon is like the untangling of a knotted ball of thread. Such is untangled methodically and purposefully by those ever seeking to liberate themselves from its many ensnarements. Great must be the wedge created between purity and defilement. Double is the Veil which hides the Holy of Holies, and great must be the veils created by those seeking to avoid impurity before ever their Lord doth invest in them His Holy Essence, for who is he but a fool who will pour good wine into a cup without a bottom. Lay out and name each thread that doth bind thee one by one, and cut them clean and sure, lest by only one small but extremely fine thread ye be forever bound to that which you would flee from. "

I'm on an Essene binge right now.

According to gematria, my name equals 1 degree Libra, which is like the first of all numbers, and I feel special because there's only a 1 in 360 chance of that happening. Also, it means that I can equal every other number.

The Essenes kick lots of ass. It ain't a religion, it's more of an...order. Or a school or something. Jesus was an Essene...or at least he went to their little place, a magical place with sacred scrolls and such. Jesus's wife also wrote a 'bible' but the catholic church got all pissy, and were all, "we must burn these writings! we disagree with what Jesus himself said!" But those tricky Essenes managed to preserve them, which is cool. Not that I've read 'em. Some, but...it's lengthy and long-winded, like the bible. Except not with like 10 pages of people's names....Saul was the father of Joe, and Joe was the father of Schmoe, and etc. No good.

So it's almost 5am and I should sleep. Or have a smoke and a burger. Wow, I feel like Randy, minus the gut. It's a work in progress.

Shall I rave about Richard, who is just too awesome to be true? Or shall I just keep it all to myself and brag to a neutral party later? It must be pronounced frenchly, though, for he is french, or at least his dad is, and he speaks it fluently, which is cool because I'm learning stuff, and not to mention, it's sexy. I'd like to say more; however, I think that would be wrong.

So I've written several dinky songs lately, which is nice. They're very simple, but it's better than nothing.

My voice is getting stronger and more controlled. It's hard to control your voice when it's .. loud. The Next High Tide is altered, and much more appropriate. Certain lyrics are subject to change, but...that's because it's not perfect. So maybe I should just chill out and leave it alone, and just work on what IS there, instead of constantly seeking ways to improve it. But then....it could be better.......

I still have a smoke left so I have to gib some more. Moved out of the apartment. Mike's living with my friend Kelley. I'm not going to delve deeper into that because I'd be writing for an hour and there would be offended people.

So Satan is getting into everything, that's what I've noticed. Satan and God are loose terms. I can't claim to be a part of any religious group, I just believe there is good in the world, and there is evil. Satan and God are good terms for that. So yeah, I feel it underlying everything these days, like it's poison, or a virus, and if we're to take this thing down and have a happy ending of a world tale, we can't just believe in love, we have to fight for it, and push it, and give it all the power we can muster. Come on, team.

Maybe I'm crazy.