game music

A powerful experience last night; agonizing at times, and time did drag, but seeing as I'm still alive, I can look at it and go, "okay, what the fuck did that mean?"

I walked down the stairs into the dark basement and all was basically well. About to crawl into bed, but I had this idea in my head to sit down at the piano instead. I had a line, a lyric, a tune.

Can I go to the place I always wanted to be

And as I played the simple melody, I felt as though this was the end. This was the last thing I would write, and they would find it, they would see it as a tragic mystery. My head started swirling and the shaking began. I couldn't play the piano any longer; things had become too intense. So I decided, maybe I should get the fuck to sleep.

Walked in my room, set the alarm clock; daily habit was easy and mindless. The room looked different and so did I. I saw myself in different ways, from the eyes of those I love, I saw how fucked-up it looked, thinking mad thoughts while the ending theme played inside my head. Turned out the light.

At first I simply tried to breathe, and warm up, for I was trembling rather badly. But I could not calm down as I watched myself glitching in the system. I was like a fuzzy television channel - cutting in and out, in great danger of fading away entirely. But I fought it - Jacob wrestled the angel, the angel was overcome. What was I on about? Think of Buffy. Think of a mindless episode of some lame show. Think of the way I feel when I'm with Richard. Think of my life, my life, remember that I work tomorrow. Think of all the people I love.

I had to get out of bed, away from the red static. I had to come back and reconnect myself because I didn't want it to be over. Please, God, not now. Let me stay in the game.

I went upstairs to the computer for some semblance of familiarity. Fiddled at the keys, trying to get my point across but my hands were so shaky and I felt suspicious being there, hitting the backspace button every second letter. Logoff.

Beginning to feel the first real claws of panic, I turned on the television downstairs so I could maybe watch some simple people live funny lives. What appeared on the screen, however, was a young man being dragged across the floor of a classroom, yelling, "Please no! I don't want to leave! I want to stay here!" And other such things. As he gripped the leg of a dest to try to save himself from the perils of a post-graduate world, I kept thinking about the uncanny parallels to my own life at that very moment.

Unnerved even further, I walked into the bathroom - another scenery change, for I could not be still. Looking into the mirror, but barely aware of anything except these strange feelings, that's when I heard the game music. It was the tune I had played before, but altered, sounding like something you would hear from a super nintendo game. What I felt, or saw, or knew, is difficult to explain; it went something like this:

All my life was a game. I had taken wrong turns and wrong paths and it was game over for me. I would play again; be born the same and given another chance to do something better, like when you die on a video game, you come back to life, but you have to do things over. It was sad, for this existence would carry on without me and I would have to leave everything behind. Everything I had ever loved and learned, built and burned, it would all be gone. I was fading away. I was glitching and disconnecting and going back to where I came from, the origin of the game, I was, I was going home.

I didn't want to know. it seemed a great truth; it seemed I should not know such things. If I could explain to you the way it all felt as I listened to that melody in my head, and realized that it was game over, the fear but sense of -- sense of what? It wasn't peace. Relief?

No, no, no. It wasn't over yet! As a cat, I deserve all nine lives and I've only gone through about three or four. I had to believe I could keep playing, to make things right. I wasn't finished. I loved all of this too much.

Had a shower and it brought me to a better place. I thought about exits - maybe a shower was my final bit of joy before game over. No. Got to believe. The shaking fits, I had to control them before they took over me completely. My chest was so tight; I had to leave the shower for a lack of decent oxygen.

Back in bed, I managed to calm myself somehow. I imagined why so many people cling to God - things get hard, so terrible, to the point where you think you're dying and it's the only thing left, the last chance to be saved. God can handle a bunch of scared humans jumping on it's cosmic back.

And I'm still here. It was hell to endure, and I'm just wondering what I can learn from this. What is wrong with my view? Red static and glitching out? What is this I'm seeing? Sometimes I wish I could see the world the way normal people do, or happy people. Sometimes I really want that mind-frame. Sometimes it's so hard to play this game.

I must be out of my mind.