On Love

I love people.

No, really. I do. To a fault, oftentimes. If you love them, you're going to be constantly giving them the benefit of a doubt, no matter how fucked up they are, no matter how they wrong you. And the first slayer says it best when she says, "love is pain". It is. It's also the best part of this world. Without it, we wouldn't be human. But it's painful.

You might say that if you truly love someone, it's nothing but pure, unadultered happiness. For if you hurt because of it, then it can't really be love. I agree. I also strongly disagree. I don't feel like I can properly explain myself. I only hope you understand.

I like to think of my mother. We love each other, deeply, truly. But through my rebellious years we have put each other through so much shit - we have hurt each other in the worst ways. We also have forgiven each other, time and time again. No matter how mad I got, no matter how much I promised myself that I would never forgive her for hurting me, I did, because I love her.

Now, you might say, if someone you love attacks you with a knife and you barely make it out alive, then it's ridiculous to forgive them. They tried to kill you! Fuck sakes, how could you forgive that. If that happened to me, then I wouldn't associate with that person anymore, they'd be out of my life for good. But I would forgive them. Not because it makes sense to, not because they deserve it, but because I love them.

Of course this is a good and a bad thing. People will walk all over you, take advantage of the fact that you will forgive them if they hurt you. To some, it's an open invitation to attack, simply because they get away with it. It sucks. I have put up with so much shit in my time. I have gone through so much pain. So maybe it's wrong, stupid, to love. No matter what. Maybe it is. It will likely be my downfall. But like I said before, though love may be pain, it's also the most beautiful thing, and I know I won't regret it.

I didn't write this to make a solid point, or to try to make sense. To argue my side and say, "hey, I'm right." I just wanted to explain it, in all of it's irrationality. Love doesn't make sense.

Oh well. I'm out.

Ally