gibbin

Music sort of puts a spin on your day, coloring it, as it lingers in your head, playing over and over again.

I find that in situations where I'm stoned, if I go play on the piano, it makes me feel tragic. Really, I have a tendency to play tragic tunes, and then I get all sad about things, occasionally to the point of crazy revelations and feelings that my death is nigh.

So it's a fucking bunk day outside, gray and cold, and I am to play baseball tonight on a hardcore team that will likely be annoyed with my ultimate lack of skill. Sure, I've played baseball for many a year, but it's been a while, and they are all very pro.

On the plus side, I've been working muscles that I forgot existed.

Jen's in town, and we're gonna chill tonight. Carly and I are also gonna chill, which is awesome because Carly is my ultimate friend. Also, she's my oldest friend. No - she's younger than me, but I've known her since I was eight. And we used to hang out every day and we were just these powerhouses of creativity back then. We would act out plays we wrote, invent games, all kinds of shit. Truly, we are a libra team.

Actually, I'd be hard-pressed to find someone I get along better with. I guess my friends 'get' me and all, but with Carly, it's like we really fucken know. We sort of have a very similar viewpoint or something. Similar feelings, experiences, ways of looking at things. Like my cosmic twin, in which she's the popular one, and I'm the weird one.

Never lose your good friends.

What else can I discuss? Well social situations are failing me and I keep getting down. Sometimes I can't stand my head, but when I try to sleep it off and away, I just sort of fall into infinity when my eyes close. It's hard to explain - everything is just so vast one moment, and tiny the next, like the universe is a little box. Or it will feel like I'm speeding through space, forward and backward. And it all morphs into each other; vast, small, fast, slow, all-encompassing, into nothing. And it's kinda frightening to close your eyes and be in that.

My head is really bothering me. It just loops over the same goddamn problems and mysteries, because when I try to get to the bottom of things, I realize that it's bottomless and it's just this big infinite loop. Like we live inside an atom, and so on.

I like the idea of a metaverse...That some other universe gave birth to ours, explaining how all those crazy-ass fine-tuned details of our existence were actually possible. How unlikely that it's all random.

God is the Akashic field? Is there something beyond infinity, like, say, Nirvana, or is that just a pleasant thought?

Is it even possible to break out of the loop?

Then what's the point, really, what's the point? If life is some sort of game where you advance through the levels, levels that increase in difficulty the better you do, well if you beat the game, and it's all infinite, then don't you just start all over again, and again, and again? So that would mean that the point isn't to beat it, it's to live it. You know those great RPG games, where it's like a big crazy world, with villages and random people, and you have these missions, like, say, saving the world, but instead of just cutting to the chase, you stop to chill in the towns, and chat up the townsfolk, enjoy your fucken stay.

Just the mere fact that I'm here, right now, is the greatest fucking mystery of all. And I guess it kind of bugs me that I'll never solve it. 99%.

Life is what you make it? Then maybe I've crafted mine into a game, a true-blue RPG. And everyone else has crafted there life into something else. And people with similar life-crafts can really get along, can really almost share a view. Or maybe ....... maybe there's only one meaning, not a zillion, but that's just wishful thinking, that would be far too easy.

Nothing's true but the point of view?

Well the way I see it, everyone has a different view, which is very obvious. Some are high, some are low. Doesn't make one better than the other, it just makes it different. And you know how they say that an opinion can't be right or wrong? well that must be true, but an opinion can be better or worse. Like, a good opinion would be one that encompasses many viewpoints. So maybe the best opinion would be one that encompasses every single view. But that would be 'god'.

I know this is a really long post but I have to unload my head a bit, solidify.

I'm really getting annoyed...like every time I step outside, the feelings and thoughts are so damn familiar, it's like i keep repeating myself. Maybe I'm getting sick of my view, or maybe I'm stuck in a loop. And it really gets hard to not know anything. Because the things that really matter to me, that really fuck me up, are things that I'll never have an answer for. So the solution there is easy - let it go. Stop looking. ......but I don't want to......

So to explore different levels and views. To talk with someone and meet them there. Like when you're stoned, and you can really understand people. Every gesture, every word, you completely know where it's all coming from. It's just so natural when you're high.

So maybe instead of going to someone's level, or them coming to yours, it's best to meet them in the middle, and then you're both exposed to something new. Someplace you might never have gone, had you not met them. Sometimes that place can be so fucken awesome, maybe it's love.

Love?

Really, love?

Where the fuck does love come from?

Here's where I get all esoteric, speaking of souls and shit like that. How else can love be explained, if you don't have a soul concept?

What the fuck, feelings?

Why do I feel?

Hey, hey, that Pink Floyd lyric, "we learned to talk". Could you have thoughts without language? You'd just have images. Wait...I think ... here comes a new idea, I think....